Lia does LIBS

Solo trimaran sailor/sculptress Lia Ditton describes the 'working at London Boat Show' experience

London Boat Show for a percentage of traders is more than a ten day binge of excessive drinking on the company expense account. It is a way of life. Boat Show roadies are familiar faces who crop up at Glasgow, Southampton, Birmingham NEC, Amsterdam METS, even Beaulieu Boat Jumble. But the latter, not if they can help it. 'Will we see you in Lauderdale?' sensation power boaters inquire in Monaco. 'Would I like to work the Dusseldorf 'Boot?' I am asked at London's Excel. Until the completion of my degree in June, the exhibitors pass is threatening to become a permanent fixture in my pocket, exchanging the capeline quick-dry shirt of pro-racing, for the pin stripe, engaging smile and name badge of the electronics retailer.

'Are we staying on Dog Island?' emailed David Neil to Marine Electronics Services boss Nick Heyes, referring to the Isle of Dogs, where we stayed last year. Hailing from Port-lend Ohr-ig-an in the US of A, David Neil is a software senior in the Boeing company, Nobeltec. David's greatest catch phrase, 'We have the technology,' was coined last year, when I overheard his sales patter on radar/navigation software, Nobeltec. David is a Skype fanatic [voice over Internet Service Provider] who communicates with 'back home,' via a silver Britney Spears-esque mike, in a stance that resembles an air-traffic controller on a problematic touch down. This year in the MES posse, Mr Neil is joined by fellow Americans Philip K-C, our chef and Jake Foster, an International Management student, who as the late-night drinking contingent, partake in heated debates about the Bush empire over supersized cans of Stella Artois.



The idea of having an in-house chef, exclusive to MES, has so far been an enormous success. Every race team in the States is mothered each regatta by a generally bottle-blond middle-aged cookie-baker. We, on the other hand, have a hip LA street kid, Philip K-C who dreams of 5 Michelin stars and 'stag'ing under top culinary names. On the verge of being sucked up by a European charter giant, ten willing guinea pigs mustered around the dinner table last night, to enjoy lamb chops with lentils, draped with an amazing pesto sauce. Would you have ordered this in a restaurant? I think it unlikely, but with the lamb seared to perfection; pink and juicy on the inside, crisp and tasty on the outside, it was enough to turn any vegetarian carniverous. For a chef, Phil has been dealing amazingly well with the Argos three-piece pan set, which furnishes our rental appartments. Luckily he bought his own knives! See Phil in action at London Boat Show stand S2316 [MES], on late-night opening tomorrow, Thursday 12 January, where chart plotters will give way to finger food and canapes of unprecidented gastronomic delight.

My stand neighbours this year are a mixed bunch. Nestled in among the electronics dealers is our loudest neighbour, ScuBAR, whose demo DVD plays the flat screen on continuous loop. I can't help but chuckle at the reminder of the film 'After the Sunset,' with Pierce Brosnan and Salma Hayek, where the gay German dive instructor runs up the beach and asks, 'Anyone for Scubaar?!' Bizarrely, MapTech Marine, the software company opposite, are showcasing portable bicycles- Bike-in-a-bag.com while, better still, Nautiquip Marine Supplies is sporting a fantastic daffodil yellow 'Response Alarm,' which clips over their canvas anti-theft screen. Watch out for the burglar with a pair of scissors!

Naturally I find myself on the most controversial stand, S2440- Raydirect.co.uk. Yes, I am manning the first unmanned stand of a pioneering web-based company exclusively selling Raymarine Electronics. The controversy resounds in the www. of cheaper minimal-overhead warehouse shipping, in the style of Amazon.com - great for the consumer, not so great for the other dealers, but c'est la vie. The future's Orange or blue, white and grey in our case!

I was delighted to see Chaz back for another round of promoting Magellan GPS on behalf of Mantsbrite Electronics. What with Zoe, Abigail and Polish bomb-shell Monniker adding to the sales team, MES is visibly an equal opportunities outfit. As per last year, Chaz is sporting a demo handheld around her neck, which dissects her volumptous assets in a consumer-friendly manner. While my ambition 2005 was to compete in the OSTAR, Chaz and 'other half' were on the brink of round-the-world-adventure in their Jeanneau 35 with pooch Pebbles. Chaz and I congratulated each other on our repective achievements: I made it to America and back in the boat that my mother describes as 'three canoes with some netting in between' [a trimaran] while Chaz and potential husband, Martin, circumnavigated as far as Palma Mallorca.

'The Voice,' is a gentleman of 'for King-and-country' era who amuses traders first thing in the morning with jokes [usually involving a man and a wife] of a distinctly suggestive nature. 'The Voice' is fond of antiquated words like 'gosh' and 'extra-ordinary,' so I picture him in tweed with thick bifocals with a long-time wife dedicated to traditions like putting butter in a butter dish and marmalade in a jam pot. Tempting though it is, to track down 'The Voice,' and unmask the man behind the Tannoy, I have decided to preserve my mental image of this quintessentially English pre-War sire. There are after-all, no end of admirals and capped men-nautique in full regalia pondering the advances of technology on the stands.

The best untold secret [now out!] of the Excel London Boat Show 2006, is the Green Tanquerary Gin palace in the central hall. How could you miss it?! Collect your free voucher in passing and sample a complimentary beverage at G&T o'clock. Best keep sampling!